I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
last night i got mauled by 2 gay men who were trying to make each other jealous by making the other think they could swing back- you're going to love atl
A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
You paid at the door and they gave you a straw for the kiddie pool full of booze.
After a bit there were two girls who got naked and liquor wrestled. I don't think it was planned.
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
Randomize
