I swear she didn't look like that last week.
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
It's a pretty amazing thing to watch... He used "Rad tits" as his pick up line of the night. And it worked... 3 times
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Randomize
