I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
By the way the awkward moment from yesterday is now a bad situation I have to figure out.
Thank you Grey Goose.
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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