He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
I could give you a full detailed description of 75% of the penises in that room
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
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