I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
After that we used the in-room hotel coffee pot to warm up some queso. it was brilliant
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
Randomize
