She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
they call themselves the foursome.. thats def means they're up for one right?
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
Randomize
