ad ew i am wasted whats my problem
What should i be more turned off about... his massive collection of condoms or that he asked me to sign my name by number 68 on the list posted on his wall?
I think the two go hand in hand.
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Randomize
