I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
This bar is like a mediocre whore house....but free
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
Happy cinco de mayo!! Puke filled sombrero in the lawn needs to be picked up and whos never punched my fence boards in half needs to replace those by the way the owner of those panties (see attached photo) anytime you wanna cum over;-) hiii!
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
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