this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
Randomize
