dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
Randomize
