you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
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