I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Randomize
