He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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