Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
is that a dick in a sweater?
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
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