My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
honey bunches of taint.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
I feel like a drive thru vagina
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
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