p.s. you have a small clit
YOU ARE THE MOST AWKWARD PERSON ALIVE.
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
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