I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Randomize
