It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
Randomize
