On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
My pussy is not your playground.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
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