After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
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