Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
get over here now. the boys are doing shots of everclear, chasing with monster, and some dude jsut walked in with a backpack full of tattoo gear.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
Randomize
