I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
370HSSV 0773H read that upside down
what are you doing with your life
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
Randomize
