moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
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