Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
at a bar and heard one girl tell another her tampon string was showing she goes i dont want it in anymore anyways. then proceeds to pull out her tampon in the middle of the bar and leave it on a plate. ewwww
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
Randomize
