I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
In other news, I just burned my penis
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
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