Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
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