I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
I got a lot accomplished today, and the day is still young! I built a fort, hot boxed a fort, had a tea party in a fort, and now realizing how high I am.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
Was that before, or after strip tac toe.....
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