Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
Me. At least after what I've been through.
There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
I told him to show me what he was made of and he came on my face. law students are so technical.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
Randomize
