I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
What I dont get, is for a man with a penis his size, to choose to go back with another girl instead of one that he says is the best sex he's ever had. He cant afford to be picky.
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
Randomize
