new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
porn star boner night. come get it.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
Randomize
