I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize