I'm already going to be stripping so like pretty much you would just be watching me. Also we're watching twilight. again.
I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
the raccoons are back...
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