I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
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