I changed my mind about Tim Gunn. I like him now. Mostly because he said someone's dress looks like a gay t-rex. Or something.
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
Randomize
