also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
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