I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
We live walking distance from the coors factory. no, we do not have a dry week.
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
