Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
