but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
Randomize
