You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
I'm in class. I'm not opening a page with the words "death erection" in the link. There's people behind me lol.
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
Randomize
