So #1 way to come back last night and #2 wishbone and I broke into his house and i opened joey's door and u were both passed out and pantless.
oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
Can vaginas get frostbite?
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
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