I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
Randomize
