so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
Randomize
