Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
Randomize
