this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
not ubering you a puppy
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
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