Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
