My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Randomize