if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
Randomize
