the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
Fuck me I smell like cheese
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
