my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
well i did feel guilty about it. until i saw how hot the guy was the next day. now, nothing but pride.
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
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