The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
I just heard an old guy ask the chick he was with if she wanted to try ass to mouth...
thanks for that.
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
Randomize
