I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
Houston, we have a squirter
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
momentary stint on a second floor library computer...guy next to me snorted blue adderall off his notebook through a cut straw, i cant tell if this guy is my hero or just plain crazy...
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