I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
good. and stop kissing my girl you dirty slut.
i don't think she's still your girl..plus, she kept screaming "kiss me! i'm a lesbian!" last night so i think you're outta luck..
Reggie can tackle my bush.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
I use my feet as sexual weapons
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
Randomize
