My sheets look like a crime scene.
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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