I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
Randomize
