i just googled "who won the civil war" . how can i still have a 97% in this class?
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Why did my mother make you get naked?
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
