apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
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