Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Randomize
