i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
He asked me if I "almost moaned"
I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
