I don't remember her name, but I do remember yelling at her from the balcony of the hotel room during her walk of shame.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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